I wish I could ask God to show me what will happen in my future, to allow me to bargain for changes, and to remove all the potholes and stones along the path I walk in life. The fear of the unknown is so overpowering at times and can hinder moving forward. When life is filled with fears, difficulties and no easy solutions, I plea for God to fix it all. I get so exhausted emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually with the complexities I am facing. I keep saying to myself that I have tried to always been kind and considerate of others, to be caring and loving, to be supportive and open. I have been a good person. So why? Why has my life been tumbled upside down and dumped in the mud? Why has my soul mate become a stranger whom I fear? Why has the person I have loved for 36 years become a stranger? Why am I facing so much loss in my life? Why?
We all have often asked WHY. So many face so much sorrow, worry and grief. I am sure that the word WHY has flown to God many times in prayers.
I want to bargain with God, to ask him to fix things, to make it all better, and ask him to tell me what he wants from me. I feel so weak.
Here I am, almost 60 years old, and my future seems so bleak and frightening. I know things must change, yet that change is like stepping out of a hot air balloon and hoping the clouds will hold you. It is hard to have faith that the clouds will bear your weight.
I am trying, Lord, I am trying.