Tuesday, June 16, 2009


Anyway,” she (God) whispers, wrapping me up in her tender but firm embrace, “the presence of pain doesn't indicate the absence of love. Often pain is present because of love. I also don’t remember promising anyone that there would be no crosses to bear. But don’t let that concern you either. I’m good with crosses. Together we can do this.” (excerpt from The Beauty of Ambiguity, by Paul Young-author of The Shack. Read entire piece at: http://www.windrumors.com/43/the-beauty-of-ambiguity-mystery/)

Not very many days go by lately where I do not think "Why is this happening to me, to us?"
When things become difficult in our lives, when problems seem overwhelming, when we always try to do right to others and then nothing seems to go right in our lives, we almost inevitably start to ask why.
I know God does not promise us perfect lives. He/She promises to love us, promises to walk with us. God promises to be there and help with the load we bear.
I would much rather God wave a staff (magic wands do not fit our Lord) and make my life easy. Oh, I do not need perfection, but would like to at least have my worry of losing our home taken away. If that stress is relieved I think I can deal with everything else. At least it would be easier.
Some evenings I think, "Lord, I have always tried to be a good person, always tried to do the right things and be kind and considerate of others. Why do I have to go through all of this?"
Six years ago I never would have imagined going through what trials we have been facing. Six years ago my husband was not seriously ill, he had been working with his company for about 20 years weathering four ownership changes, and we were doing well. I was even planning for when my parents got too old to care for themselves. We were going to buy a property with a few acres that had two homes on it so I could care for them and still let them have their independence and privacy. It would all be perfect. It was all planned.
Then my husband found out he had diabetes, began getting more ill, developed other medical problems, and 2 years ago he lost his job. His emotional state began to decline along with his physical state. Our lives drastically changed. My world of 'happily ever after' began to erode.
We never expect these things. And when they happen, we go through so many emotions--shock, fear, sorrow, grief, anger, depression, embarrassment, frustration, worry--so many emotions over and over again. And now in these economic times, many people are dealing with problems, many financially based. But knowing this does not diminish our feelings.
I hear from friends, relatives, and my pastor that God is there for us, to let go and let God, to lean on Him and allow Him to help with the load. But it is not as easily done as it is said. I do have faith, and I pray. But then I have moments of feeling alone, fearful and worried . I then feel so far from God, so distant and forgotten. And faith falters.
I am sure I am not the only one having these difficult experiences and feelings and doubts. And I wish having complete faith was easier.
I try to handle one day at a time, to take things in baby steps rather than leaping upon them like a cowboy on a bucking bronco. If I did that I would be trampled. So each morning I say to myself, "I just have to get through today. I will do tomorrow, tomorrow."
Once in awhile I slip and find myself worrying about next week or next month, and I have to remind myself I cannot handle more than one day at a time and worrying about the future only gains more worry.
And I keep busy. I go to my women writers group, go to work, go to poetry readings, go to parties, attend events at the college where I work, go to church, take nature photographs, write and try to fill hours so I do not have so much time to ponder problems.
Maybe that is how God has told me to handle things, I don't know.
But sometimes I wish God would scoop me up in His/Her arms, rock me like a baby, and sing soft lullabies.

1 comment:

  1. Rose, I'm so sorry for the trials in your life. I hope that things begin to get better for you soon. I will be thinking positive thoughts for you.