I am having a hard time welcoming the new year. As I sat here today I pondered all the difficulties this past year held. Sure, there were good days interrupted with turmoil, depression and worry. I would love to think that this new year would hold miracles, with healing for my husband at the top of my list. As much as I would love this to happen, I know it is not possible. He will continue to deteriorate.
Dementia is difficult to live with, difficult to watch. It is like a magic trick where someone disappears, only it is not a physical disappearance. The mind, the personality, the person you knew slowly evaporates.
There is no way to wave a magic wand, say ABRACADABRA, and make it all as it was. But wouldn't it be wonderful if you could?
What is really difficult is knowing that he knows what is happening to him. He loses control and I know he must be frightened.
He used to be so gentle and thoughtful, had the greatest laugh, was always so calm. I remind myself every day that he is ill and does not really mean things he says and does. But it is still difficult to face.
I know this new year will hold more pain, more hurt and more loss.
Today I may have felt lost and frightened, but I know I will get through this new year. It will not be easy, and I will have days I break down. But I have friends and family who are there to offer hugs, to listen and just accept me. This is a great blessing and I thank God.
And each day I will see some beauty, even if it is just a little thing like watching a dandelion seed float on a breeze.