I am having a hard time welcoming the new year. As I sat here today I pondered all the difficulties this past year held. Sure, there were good days interrupted with turmoil, depression and worry. I would love to think that this new year would hold miracles, with healing for my husband at the top of my list. As much as I would love this to happen, I know it is not possible. He will continue to deteriorate.
Dementia is difficult to live with, difficult to watch. It is like a magic trick where someone disappears, only it is not a physical disappearance. The mind, the personality, the person you knew slowly evaporates.
There is no way to wave a magic wand, say ABRACADABRA, and make it all as it was. But wouldn't it be wonderful if you could?
What is really difficult is knowing that he knows what is happening to him. He loses control and I know he must be frightened.
He used to be so gentle and thoughtful, had the greatest laugh, was always so calm. I remind myself every day that he is ill and does not really mean things he says and does. But it is still difficult to face.
I know this new year will hold more pain, more hurt and more loss.
Today I may have felt lost and frightened, but I know I will get through this new year. It will not be easy, and I will have days I break down. But I have friends and family who are there to offer hugs, to listen and just accept me. This is a great blessing and I thank God.
And each day I will see some beauty, even if it is just a little thing like watching a dandelion seed float on a breeze.
The changing of the year can cause even those who don't have any real problems to be melancholy. In your case, it must be particularly difficult. I sincerely hope that this year will be easier on you, even as your husband's condition continues to deteriorate. That's not something you can change, but there are other things that might get better: a job prospect, a financial situation. I wish I could make things better for you Rose. You have a special place in my heart. I admire the courage and strength you display every day of your life.
ReplyDeleteRose, you've faced so many challenges in your life, and still you pick yourself up and keep going. May our God grant you peace through the upcoming year. I'm blessed to have a friend like you who sees the serenity and wonder in all things
ReplyDeleteWhat can I do to help? When can I take you out for lunch so we can talk about this?
ReplyDeleteI'm struggling to find words to express how much I sympathize, how much I wish I could find that magic wand for you. Your courage and sweet nature are an inspiration to us all. Alice
ReplyDeleteI hope you'll keep writing about enduring the transformation of your husband and about the beauty you find each day. They're both stories we can learn from, and even though it sounds truly painful to endure, your voice here sounds strong and hopeful. Inspiring.
ReplyDeletePlease remember there is only so much that each of us can do in the face of such illness. I am hoping there is an alternative to you continuing to live like this.
ReplyDeleteSo many of us wish you all the best, Rose. I'm glad your knowledge of this helps, but we wish it could do more.